Friday, March 11, 2011

Offline for the Weekend

I will be offline for the weekend, but I thought I'd leave you with some interesting exchanges between lawyers and witnesses.  They'd be funny if they weren't true.

MUST BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER!            
 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are     
 things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now   
 published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while   
 these exchanges were actually taking place.                          
                                                                           
   ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that        
 morning?                                                                  
   WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'                             
   ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?                                  
   WITNESS:     My name is Susan!                                          
   ____________________________________________                            
                                                                           
                                                                           
   ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?    
   WITNESS:     Yes.                                                       
   ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?                 
   WITNESS:     I forget..                                                 
   ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you     
 forgot?                                                                   
   ___________________________________________                             
                                                                           
                                                                           
   ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his    
 sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?                  
   WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?                           
   ____________________________________                                    
                                                                           
   ATTORNEY:  The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?          
   WITNESS:      He's 20 , much like your IQ.                              
   ___________________________________________                             
                                                                           
   ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?                
   WITNESS:     Are you sh*tting me?                                       
   _________________________________________                               

    (Another favorite)                                                     
   ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?                              
   WITNESS:     Yes.                                                       
   ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?                                          
   WITNESS:    None.                                                       
   ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?                                       
   WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get
 a new attorney?                                                           
   ____________________________________________                            
                                                                           
   ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?                      
   WITNESS:     By death.                                                
   ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?                        
   WITNESS:     Take a guess.                                              
   ____________________________________________                            
                                                                           
   ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?                             
   WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard                 
   ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?                                 
   WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.         
   _____________________________________                                   
                                                                           
   ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
 notice which I sent to your attorney?                                     
   WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.                    
   ______________________________________                                  
                                                                           
   ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on    
 dead people?                                                              
   WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.    
  _________________________________________                               
                                                                           
  ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go
 to?                                                                       
   WITNESS:     Oral.                                                     
   _________________________________________                               
                                                                           
   ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?           
   WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM                         
   ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?                         
   WITNESS:     If not , he was by the time I finished.                    
   ____________________________________________                            
                                                                           
   And last:                                                               
                                                                           
   ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?                                                                    
   WITNESS:     No.                                                        
   ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?                            
   WITNESS:     No.                                                        
   ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?                                 
   WITNESS:     No..                                                       
   ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you  
 began the autopsy?                                                        
   WITNESS:     No.                                                        
   ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?                              
   WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.         
   ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive,          
 nevertheless?                                                             
   WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and      
 practicing law.